I just honestly don't get it. How have I gone through nearly two full years of college and still do not have a core group of friends? Is this normal? A lot of the time I feel like I don't have any friends, period. I feel like there is no one here for me to talk to, like there is no one here who will really listen to me. I just want someone to be there for me, but I feel like I don't have that at all.
I've never had a group of friends, never in my entire life. I was a drifter in high school, "Jill of all groups, member of none," if you will. That was never a conscious choice of mine: I had made good friends in elementary and middle school, and once we hit high school those friends all became parts of different cliques. I would hang out with those friends in the hall or at lunch, but I never felt included. I thought that problem would be remedied in college, but I was so wrong. I still have no group. But this time it's worse, because this time I don't even have any close friends. I feel like if I were to die tonight, my funeral would be the one where everyone said, "Gosh, I wish I had gotten to know her better." I think a lot of people would be there, and all of them would feel regretful that they were just a surface friend of mine. The only "group" I have here is the staff of the newspaper, but it's not like I hang out with them outside of the newspaper office, and it's not like any of them feel the same way. They all have other groups of friends. I don't think anyone on staff realizes how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.
I really just don't understand, though, why I can't find a group of friends? Is it me? Do I isolate people? Do I scare people? Do I turn people off? Do I repulse people? And if the answer to any of these questions is yes, what is it about me that causes this? Is there anything I can do to fix it, or is it something permanent, something about me as a person, something inherent that I can't get rid of? If humans were made to be in community, why can't I seem to find a community to be a part of?
I know I'm a complete stranger, but I found this by googling the question "do I turn people off?" and wanted to reply. These words could have been written by me. I was the same way in high school and college. It took me finding a hobby (surfing) that I became passionate about. Through surfing, I developed a lifestyle..and found people who enjoyed the same lifestyle. I built my circle of friends that way..like I would see people in the water again and again..until I finally reached out. Talked about the waves etc..over time conversation would turn to - what are you guys doing after this? And we'd hang out outside the water. My closest friends are surfers..one being my husband. Yes, we met I the water. :) I wanted to share.
ReplyDeleteMaybe reach out to your staff friends. Maybe they feel the same way.