Two and a half years ago, I was in the second semester of my sophomore year in HIGH SCHOOL. I had no idea where I wanted to go to college. I wasn't even really thinking about college. I didn't really know what I wanted to be, though I think at that point I was still leaning toward editor at a publishing house. Or perhaps I was just beginning to think about being an editor at a publishing house. I really don't know. I know one thing, though: the college that I'm at was not even in the picture.
Two and a half (ish) years from now, I will have one semester left in college (CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT KTHNX). I really have no CLUE what my life is going to look like at that point. The only thing I can say with certainty is that I will have spent a semester off campus, because the plan has always been do spend Spring 2011 off campus. Where exactly I will be spending that semester has yet to be determined (though I have a pretty good idea of where it's going to be). By that point I'm hopefully going to have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to be doing after college, whether it's working or going to grad school or, the most likely option of them all, moving back home and working full time where I worked part time over the summer because I'm never going to be able to get a "real job." But I really don't know. Thinking about that point in my life freaks me out, because the things that will be on my mind at that point are SCARY. I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP.
I mean, if you think about it, a lot is going to happen in my life in two and a half (ish) years. And it really upsets me that my cousin is going to miss it all, because he's the closest thing I have to a big brother. And what happens if he likes where he's going and decides not to come back, ever? Is that it then? When I saw him on Saturday night, is that the last time I'm ever going to see him? Is that the last time our entire family (except for Grandpa, who died in June 2008) is going to be together?
I just hate it. I took the UCLA Loneliness Test yesterday, and I got a score of 34. The most you can possibly get is 40, and people who get above 30 are considered to be severely lonely. That's how I feel at school almost all the time. Lonely. Somehow, even though I'm involved in a million and a half things, I feel lonely the majority of the time. I think it's partially because even though I have friends at school, I don't have many good friends at school. I have people I get along with just fine, but there's only one person I ever really "hang out" with. My roommate and I, though we get along and don't have any major issues at all, aren't friends. We're just roommates. It's just like when I look back on my life, I realize how much less lonely I was in high school. Yeah, I didn't have much a social life then, but I had great friends who I saw and talked to every single day of the school week. While I see my friends every single day of the week now that I'm in college and live there, it's not like we talk every day. And I don't see my close friends every day (which, more accurately, is close friend, not plural). And I had my family. But now my family is spreading abroad "to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south" AND I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT. The only people I could count on are all leaving me, and I'm becoming more and more alone. My sister is only looking at one school that's even in the state we live in. The other places she's looking at are literally on the other side of the country or in the middle of nowhere (f*cking IOWA. WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN IOWA??). Last year I realized my family members are the only people I can always count on, and now they're all leaving me, too. Which leaves me with no one at all. I'm going from being mostly alone at school to being completely alone in my life, and I just can't handle that. People were made to be in community. We weren't meant to be isolated. That's why solitary confinement is such a horrible, brutal punishment. But I feel like that's what's happening to me, like it's all spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do about it.
On a happy note, I weighed myself today and discovered that I've lost a lot of weight. I don't have an eating disorder or anything like that, and I don't want anyone who happened to make it to this line to worry about me for that reason, but this is the first time since I began college that I've come home and weighed less than the last time I was at home. Every single time since my birthday last fall (Fall 2008), whenever I've come home I've gained weight. But this time I lost like 6 pounds. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I don't care, either. It's probably because I actually pay attention to what I eat now, and I'm not like, "Ooh, pizza and fries! That will be a healthy way to finish off my eating for the day, after the french toast sticks and syrup I had for breakfast followed by a greasy grilled cheese for lunch!" every. single. day. Now I'm like, "Hmm, maybe I should just eat cereal for breakfast, a sandwich and an apple for lunch, and something not deep fried and/or swimming in grease for dinner." In other words, eating like I ate when I lived at home all the time. And lo and behold, my weight has returned to where it was senior year. If only I had known it could be that easy last year.
P.S. By the next time I blog, I want 40 profile views. Annnndddddd go.
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