:(

I'm seriously so bummed right now I could cry.

So, I love my job. I don't think I've made that any sort of secret. I mean, yeah, at times it's annoying, but the good outweighs the bad so much that I really just couldn't ask for a better job. I love my boss, I love the people I work with, I love our customers...everything about my job is fantastic. That's why I worked hard to keep my job after last summer, why I came home so often this year to work on Saturdays, and why I'll be working seven days a week for the rest of the summer. It's all been completely worth it. But after this summer, things are going to have to change. There's no one to hold down my job for me anymore. I thought I had someone, but it turns out she had another commitment on Saturdays and it won't work. So that means that on August 21st, I'm going to have to be done. That thought seriously brings me to the verge of tears. I DO NOT want to quit. I can't imagine my life without these people anymore. I mean, I know eventually I'll have to move on...a less-than-part time, minimum wage paying job isn't going to support me for very long. But it still sucks.

Families

Item #1: Work Fam.

One of the regular customers at the restaurant I work at died this past week. It wasn't much of a surprise, as this customer had had cancer for almost twenty years and in the last few weeks had been fading very fast. This customer's family has always been very connected to the restaurant, and it has shown so much in the past few days. The outpouring of support from other regulars, monetary donations, attendance at the funeral, and the fact that the post-funeral reception was held at our restaurant (we closed early to accommodate this) really showed me the depth of the relationship people at the restaurant have. It's not just server/customer. These people aren't just another paycheck to us, and they're not just the people at the table on the other side of the room. They're friends. They're family. This is why I love my restaurant so much. Where else could you find this kind of loyalty? I don't know if it's possible.

Item #2: Pregnancy dream.

I had my very first pregnancy dream last night. It took place three years from now. I sincerely hope the circumstances under which I was pregnant (in the dream, the dad was a non-factor, and my parents were pissed at me because I got pregnant and wasn't married...it was all very dramatic) never occur, but it was cool nevertheless. I'm sure a pregnancy dream isn't a lot like actually being pregnant, but I liked it. There are very few things I want more in this world than children of my own.

Self-Evaluation

Well, kids, it's gotten to be that time. I have a final on Monday, and then I'm outta here. I've actually been dreading this for quite some time. As much as I love my family, I'm not ready to go home. I'm not ready for this semester to be over. I guess that's mostly just because I'm not ready to be that much closer to graduation. Not ready at all.

And now it's time to check up on my second semester resolutions...

1: Make a guy friend

-- Check

2: Spend less time on Facebook

-- FAIL FAIL FAIL

3: Make a good girl friend

-- I actually made several good girl friends this semester. Not like "let's hang out on Saturday night" girl friends, but people I at least eat with when able.

4: Fall in love

-- Yea-no.

5: Spend more time with best friend from home

-- Well, we didn't spend a lot of time together, but we definitely did spend more time together

As for the friend grading scale, I'm going to give myself a B-. I made 5 new girl friends and 3 new guy friends this semester. I think saying I'm friends with my roommate might be pushing it, but we definitely get along really well so that's good.

All in all it was an okay semester. Definitely not as great as Fall 09 or Fall 08, but not as bad as Spring 09, either. I was just really overwhelmed a lot of this semester, which made it difficult. That also means I'm probably going to HATE Fall 10, because I'm going to be even more overwhelmed then. Awesome.

Stinkin Awesome

Who's in love with the new template?!? GAHHH SO PRETTY!! I'm a big fan.

I have a lot of homework to do, so I can't spend long on this. Spring Break is just finishing up for me. I had a decent break, though I didn't get much homework done which was frustrating. But it was a nice break anyways.

Lonely

You know what I don't understand? How it's possible to live somewhere for a year and a half and not have a group of friends.

I just honestly don't get it. How have I gone through nearly two full years of college and still do not have a core group of friends? Is this normal? A lot of the time I feel like I don't have any friends, period. I feel like there is no one here for me to talk to, like there is no one here who will really listen to me. I just want someone to be there for me, but I feel like I don't have that at all.

I've never had a group of friends, never in my entire life. I was a drifter in high school, "Jill of all groups, member of none," if you will. That was never a conscious choice of mine: I had made good friends in elementary and middle school, and once we hit high school those friends all became parts of different cliques. I would hang out with those friends in the hall or at lunch, but I never felt included. I thought that problem would be remedied in college, but I was so wrong. I still have no group. But this time it's worse, because this time I don't even have any close friends. I feel like if I were to die tonight, my funeral would be the one where everyone said, "Gosh, I wish I had gotten to know her better." I think a lot of people would be there, and all of them would feel regretful that they were just a surface friend of mine. The only "group" I have here is the staff of the newspaper, but it's not like I hang out with them outside of the newspaper office, and it's not like any of them feel the same way. They all have other groups of friends. I don't think anyone on staff realizes how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.

I really just don't understand, though, why I can't find a group of friends? Is it me? Do I isolate people? Do I scare people? Do I turn people off? Do I repulse people? And if the answer to any of these questions is yes, what is it about me that causes this? Is there anything I can do to fix it, or is it something permanent, something about me as a person, something inherent that I can't get rid of? If humans were made to be in community, why can't I seem to find a community to be a part of?

Risk Taking

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I need to stop sitting around letting my life pass me by. It's no wonder I feel miserable about myself so often. I always take the easy route out. Instead of pushing myself to be more social, more involved, I prefer to sit in my room in front of my computer, thinking about how pathetic my life is. So yesterday, I took a risk. I went to my first party ever, and I went alone.

I went alone because I didn't think any of my friends would want to go. Granted, I didn't ask any of them, but I don't feel like any of my friends are into partying. Not that I am either...I don't do the alcohol thing. But for the longest time I've just wanted to go out and dance. So I went to this party to do just that.

It was a stoplight party, which made things easier because it was obvious who was single and ready to mingle and who was taken. There weren't a lot of people at the party (probably because pledge is going on and this party was in a dorm, aka alcohol free), but nearly everyone there was in green, including me. The first hour or so was kind of lame as I just awkwardly stood around, pretending to be waiting for people, looking for people, or whatever. I refused to ask a guy to dance because in my opinion, that's his job. Guys need to grow a pair, man up, and ask a girl to dance. I shouldn't be responsible for that. Eventually, a guy did ask me to dance. And we proceeded to dance for over an hour. This is significant because I haven't danced with anyone since August 2008. Quite some time. And I've been CRAVING it. So that was just fantastic. The guy doesn't go to my school, so I'll probably never see or talk to him again. He asked for my number, but I doubt he'll ever actually contact me. It's fine, though, because I wasn't really expecting anything. I mean, it'd be nice if he would contact me, but if he doesn't, I'm not going to get upset over it or anything. Last night was still a blast, and I learned an important lesson: taking risks is a good idea, because look how it can pay off!

It's Been Quite Some Time

Hello, non-existent readers.

I really, really, really should be studying for my Spanish exam right now. But I'm not. Wanna know why? Because my Spanish exam, quite literally, is not covering a single thing we've learned so far this semester. No lie. We've learned about literature: the different aspects of it, how to analyze it, things like that. We've read a bunch of stuff from 600 years ago. What is our exam on? Grammar. Things that aren't actually on our course's website.

What. The. Hell. I think I'm going to complain about this to someone with power, because this is absolutely ridiculous.

In other news, this has been, hands down, the hardest semester of college thus far. Let's see, what all have I dealt with?

- Stomach flu

- Death of two students, both of which I knew, one of which I worked with

- 16 credits (full load)

- 2 classes for no credit

- A job (which, okay, is only like 4 hours max a week. But still)

- The school newspaper

I hit the ground running in every sense possible and have been going 100 mph ever since, with no stopping in sight. I truly think this semester will be my downfall.

I hate college.