Stinkin Awesome

Who's in love with the new template?!? GAHHH SO PRETTY!! I'm a big fan.

I have a lot of homework to do, so I can't spend long on this. Spring Break is just finishing up for me. I had a decent break, though I didn't get much homework done which was frustrating. But it was a nice break anyways.

Lonely

You know what I don't understand? How it's possible to live somewhere for a year and a half and not have a group of friends.

I just honestly don't get it. How have I gone through nearly two full years of college and still do not have a core group of friends? Is this normal? A lot of the time I feel like I don't have any friends, period. I feel like there is no one here for me to talk to, like there is no one here who will really listen to me. I just want someone to be there for me, but I feel like I don't have that at all.

I've never had a group of friends, never in my entire life. I was a drifter in high school, "Jill of all groups, member of none," if you will. That was never a conscious choice of mine: I had made good friends in elementary and middle school, and once we hit high school those friends all became parts of different cliques. I would hang out with those friends in the hall or at lunch, but I never felt included. I thought that problem would be remedied in college, but I was so wrong. I still have no group. But this time it's worse, because this time I don't even have any close friends. I feel like if I were to die tonight, my funeral would be the one where everyone said, "Gosh, I wish I had gotten to know her better." I think a lot of people would be there, and all of them would feel regretful that they were just a surface friend of mine. The only "group" I have here is the staff of the newspaper, but it's not like I hang out with them outside of the newspaper office, and it's not like any of them feel the same way. They all have other groups of friends. I don't think anyone on staff realizes how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.

I really just don't understand, though, why I can't find a group of friends? Is it me? Do I isolate people? Do I scare people? Do I turn people off? Do I repulse people? And if the answer to any of these questions is yes, what is it about me that causes this? Is there anything I can do to fix it, or is it something permanent, something about me as a person, something inherent that I can't get rid of? If humans were made to be in community, why can't I seem to find a community to be a part of?

Risk Taking

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I need to stop sitting around letting my life pass me by. It's no wonder I feel miserable about myself so often. I always take the easy route out. Instead of pushing myself to be more social, more involved, I prefer to sit in my room in front of my computer, thinking about how pathetic my life is. So yesterday, I took a risk. I went to my first party ever, and I went alone.

I went alone because I didn't think any of my friends would want to go. Granted, I didn't ask any of them, but I don't feel like any of my friends are into partying. Not that I am either...I don't do the alcohol thing. But for the longest time I've just wanted to go out and dance. So I went to this party to do just that.

It was a stoplight party, which made things easier because it was obvious who was single and ready to mingle and who was taken. There weren't a lot of people at the party (probably because pledge is going on and this party was in a dorm, aka alcohol free), but nearly everyone there was in green, including me. The first hour or so was kind of lame as I just awkwardly stood around, pretending to be waiting for people, looking for people, or whatever. I refused to ask a guy to dance because in my opinion, that's his job. Guys need to grow a pair, man up, and ask a girl to dance. I shouldn't be responsible for that. Eventually, a guy did ask me to dance. And we proceeded to dance for over an hour. This is significant because I haven't danced with anyone since August 2008. Quite some time. And I've been CRAVING it. So that was just fantastic. The guy doesn't go to my school, so I'll probably never see or talk to him again. He asked for my number, but I doubt he'll ever actually contact me. It's fine, though, because I wasn't really expecting anything. I mean, it'd be nice if he would contact me, but if he doesn't, I'm not going to get upset over it or anything. Last night was still a blast, and I learned an important lesson: taking risks is a good idea, because look how it can pay off!

It's Been Quite Some Time

Hello, non-existent readers.

I really, really, really should be studying for my Spanish exam right now. But I'm not. Wanna know why? Because my Spanish exam, quite literally, is not covering a single thing we've learned so far this semester. No lie. We've learned about literature: the different aspects of it, how to analyze it, things like that. We've read a bunch of stuff from 600 years ago. What is our exam on? Grammar. Things that aren't actually on our course's website.

What. The. Hell. I think I'm going to complain about this to someone with power, because this is absolutely ridiculous.

In other news, this has been, hands down, the hardest semester of college thus far. Let's see, what all have I dealt with?

- Stomach flu

- Death of two students, both of which I knew, one of which I worked with

- 16 credits (full load)

- 2 classes for no credit

- A job (which, okay, is only like 4 hours max a week. But still)

- The school newspaper

I hit the ground running in every sense possible and have been going 100 mph ever since, with no stopping in sight. I truly think this semester will be my downfall.

I hate college.

Stomach Flu

UGH.

Out of all the experiences I've had at college, I don't think any (aside from serious boy drama) suck as much as being sick. I'm not really the type of person who gets sick frequently. I get upper respiratory infections all the time--I describe myself as having a perpetual cold--but I very rarely get the stomach flu. I think it's because I would get the stomach flu relatively frequently when I was little, probably once a year or so. I now have gastrointestinal immune system o' steel (haha). But the last time I had the stomach flu was five years ago, so it's been awhile. Needless to say, the past few days have been SUCKY. I started to feel sick on Wednesday afternoon, but I didn't think it was anything really, because I get stomach aches every now and again but they don't lead to anything. As the day went on, though, I just felt worse and worse and worse, and finally around 11 p.m. I threw up. You know, I certainly don't enjoy throwing up, but I think it gets too much of a bad rap. Yeah, it's gross, and it's not very pleasant, but I sure felt better after I got, oh, the entire contents of my digestive tract out. I had a hard time sleeping on Wednesday night. Thursday morning I felt fine immediately after waking up, but that went downhill really, really fast. I went to the Health Center to see if I had a fever, but I was at 98.7 or something ridiculously normal like that, so I didn't have a real reason to skip class :/ . I had five and a half hours of class yesterday, and it was not enjoyable. I think I actually did have a fever, because I sure felt like I had a fever, but I made it through all of my classes without dying. Probably infected, oh, 70 innocent bystanders, but I still went to class. (sidenote: I think that's ridiculous. I should not have felt so obligated to go to class that despite the fact that I felt like death, I still went. I should not have to worry so much about falling behind or having my grade lowered because I could barely drag myself out of bed. I realize attendance policies are put in place so the lazy bum whose parents are paying for his entire education will go to class and pass, but illness should be an exception to the policy). After I finished with my classes for the day, I got back in bed and basically didn't move until this morning when my alarm went off. Once again I felt a lot better when I woke up...until I got diarrhea. Sick nasty. It wasn't actually too bad, though, and I haven't had any *ahem* episodes for about five hours now. I've also not had any trouble keeping down food, and at lunch I was able to finish my piece of toast and all of my applesauce, which is the first time I've been able to do that since I got sick! Yay for minor victories.

This whole experience has made me not want to grow up. Being stuck at school with the stomach flu was awful. I mean, I know I would've felt just as crappy if I had been at home, but then I would've had someone to take care of me. Here I had to fend entirely for myself. I had lots of people who were willing to get me something if I needed it, but what I really just needed was my mom to come in and check on me every now and again and feel sorry for me. Of course, she did call me frequently and gave me advice and comfort, but it wasn't the same as her actually being here. Can I be a kid forever please?

More Resolutions

I kind of like that list I made before first semester, so I'm doing it again:

1. Make a guy friend. Or more. No need to get too ambitious, though. Making one more would double my current total, which would be nice.

2. Spend less time on Facebook. My goal is 1.5 hours per day or less. It's awfully ambitious, but I think it would be good for me.

3. Make a good girl friend. Because at this point, I only have one good friend in college. I'd like to have at least two good girl friends, because girl friends are important.

4. Fall in love. Oh, why not?

5. Spend more time with former best friend from home. Who knew it would be so easy to drift apart when you go to the same school? I need to work on that.

And then the same grading scale as last semester for friend making.

I was just on Facebook, and I found myself in the background of someone's picture. I was yawning in the picture, and the girl who put the picture up found it funny. I believe the caption was "the girl in the background makes this picture that much better ahahahahaha." For some strange reason, it actually didn't insult me. I'm not making some totally ridiculous face or anything. I don't know. It's weird.

Speaking of weird. I had the chance to go back to school early, but decided against it. This is weird because I had practically been begging to go back on Sunday instead of Monday nearly all break, but suddenly once I had to go back on Sunday instead of Monday, I got angry and fought for my one extra night at home (and got it). Strange.

New Year's Resolutions

There is still time where I live to make New Year's Resolutions before 2010, so here goes:

1. Be more confident

Because I feel like that will help with #2...

2. Fall in love

Okay, okay. It's a stupid resolution, because I can only control that so much. I know history says I'm setting myself up for failure. But I'm resolving to do it anyways because I've never resolved to fall in love before, and I never have fallen in love before (at least, I've never been in love with someone who loves me back), so I figure I have nothing to lose.

3. Save more

Because grad school is expensive and I'm poor. So is studying abroad. And life in general.

4. Less dessert

More setting myself up for failure. Is it so wrong to want to have a nice stomach?

5. Make one more really good friend.

Because I have one really good friend--a best friend, really--but I don't want to be that annoying clingy friend, so it'd be nice to have another one. At college, I mean.

6. Be less cynical/complain less.

Without question, the most difficult thing on the list. I'm the queen of complaining (obvs. If you've read any of this blog you would know that). But I'll try. Or at least say I'll try.

That's all I've got for now. A grading scale:

A: 6/6

B: 5/6

C: 4/6

D: 3/6

F: ≤ 2/6

I'm shooting for an A, expecting a Cish. If I'm still blogging by 12/31/10, I'll let you know how I did. Second semester resolutions/goals are coming later...probably right before I go back to school, if this has been any indication.

Happy new year!