Annual Yearly Update

Sorry for ditching all of you faithful readers. I did run that 5K and another one. I'm running a 10K in May. Woot.

Times to grade myself on my 2011 resolutions!

1. Learn to say no.

-- I mean, I didn't feel quite as overcommitted, but I don't think I really accomplished this.

2. Find little ways to save money.

-- Kind of. This mostly boiled down to not really spending money, like ever. However, I've done a much better job of keeping track of my money, which as far as I'm concerned is almost just as good.

3. Be a better counselor.

-- I think I was better this year than last, so check.

4. Live in the moment.

-- I actually think I did pretty good at this. I obviously think about the future, but I haven't focused so much on things ending as much as being present.

5. Start the job hunt.

-- Oh, check yes.

That brings me to a...yikes. 3.5/5. That's like a C. Well, maybe I didn't do so hot on my resolutions, but I do think that this year was one of the greatest years thus far in my life, so I'm going to go ahead and give this year an A anyway.

:)

Sowwy

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Good news: 5K training is progressing quite well. I'm kind of obsessed with my training program, to be completely honest. I feel like I'm getting a good workout but I'm not exhausted when I'm done, which I think is great. I've really enjoyed every single run I've gone out for (9 thus far), which I think is saying something. I'm also still super pumped and motivated to do this 5K, so woot.

Bad news: On my off running days I do strength training business, and the workout I did yesterday kicked my booty--literally. Walking has been a bit of a struggle today. Failsauce.

I'm also in a funky mood like all the time. That's a lie. I'm in a funky mood like half the time where I'm just pissed about everything and hate everyone. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't particularly like it.

I'm also super duper pissed about work next week. Basically, I got royally screwed over with scheduling things while people with far, far less seniority than me not only got the bitchin' end of the deal, but also got a huge ass raise. So I got screwed and am still making way, way less than half of minimum wage while undeserving people are sitting pretty. No wonder I hate everything.

I Will Not Be Thwarted!

Yesterday, I spent my day waiting for a phone call that never came. (Not from Boy. From a job-related something). It also rained a lot. Needless to say 5K training did not happen yesterday. Boo.

Thankfully, today the weather is...well, it's not raining at least. And double thankfully, my training program is a 3x/week sort of deal. So instead I ran today! Wewt. The training is still super easy, since I'm running for 10 minutes and walking for 15 (ballin!). What's been interesting to notice is that I feel most tired near the end of my workout when I stop running and start walking. I'm fine when I'm running, and transitioning from walking to running (or jogging, rather) isn't really a problem. But when I transition from running to walk I huff and I puff and I just feel super beat. I guess that's a good sign? Maybe? I mean, if running seems to be easier than slowing down, I should just keep running, eh?

Updates on progress will be slow in coming next week as I have plans that prevent me from Interneting most/all days. But never fear Latvian (and American) Lovers: I shall persevere! *points to title*

Day Two

I'm still training for the 5K, loves. Aren't you proud? I'm following the Couch to 5K program, so none of this is my original concoction or anything, but in case you're curious what Week One, Day Two consists of:

- 5 minute brisk warm-up walk

- One minute jog

- 1:30 walk

- Repeat steps 2 and 3 for 20 minutes

It was a little more struggs today because it's hotter than blazes out there. More struggs=sweating sooner than last time. Overall though this whole workout is kind of a joke at this point, because I really wasn't inactive to begin with like this training program assumes. I'm just not active enough to tackle an intermediate training plan from the get-go. Also, this one has times rather than distances, which I like better.

For those of you at home (in Latvia) keeping score: no, I did not get lazy and skip yesterday's workout. This training program only has your training three days a week, because as anyone involved in athletics knows, rest days are just as important as training days. I do strength training on my rest days. Strength training=whatever workout in Seventeen magazine looks the most appealing to me, ideally one that won't make me sweat.

Does anyone know why Twitter sucks lately? It takes for friggin' ever to load, and that makes me sad :(

Latvia.

Dear Latvian Lovers,

I don't know if there are actually seven of you, or if one of you just came to my page seven times today. Either way, um, hi? Thanks for knocking my hypothetical socks off when I checked my stats (it's too warm to be wearing socks, in case you were wondering).

Love,

xojustagirl

The whole reason I came on to post is because I have an announcement! I officially began training for my first 5K ever today! The training is pretty easy at this point, because it's a beginner training program. At this point it's heavy on the walking on light on the running, which is nice in the sense that I don't get tired quickly, but annoying in the sense that I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything (ie: burning calories and getting more fit). I'm hoping to keep myself accountable for my training on here because that 5K is most def. happening, and because my blog heroes tend to post these kinds of things, so I thought I should, too.

Also, I should be doing homework right now. I know, right? Still? Ridikalus.

Calling

It seems like everything in my life lately has been about finding your calling.

Granted, the fact that I just finished taking a class that had the goal of helping us discern our vocations probably has a lot to do with that. But I wrapped that class up a week ago. Right now, I'm reading another book in preparation for a class I'm about to take across the pond in Scotland. This book is allegedly about traveling with meaning, but it seems like so far, every other page has been about listening to your heart and--wait for it--finding your calling.

Maybe I've just been reading too much of this touchy-feely calling stuff, but this constant exposure to calling business kind of makes me think that I should be focusing on my calling more. That's weird and confusing for me, because I thought I had things figured out. (Which, I guess, more than anything should be an indication that I have nothing figured out). I just spent three and a half months working at an internship that I absolutely loved. My strong positive feelings about the internship, coupled with the strong positive feedback I constantly received, was as good of an indication as any that what I was interning in has to do with my calling.

So why does everyone still seem to be on my back about finding my calling?

I'm not very good at listening. Well, sort of. I'm good at listening to people. I like letting people just talk to me, in fact. I have no problem sitting there and just letting them talk and talk and talk until they get it all out. (In fact, I enjoy doing this very much with Boy described in previous posts). But I'm not good at the whole "quiet time" concept. It seems like the only time my brain turns off is when I'm asleep. I'm not 100% convinced that all dreams impart some sort of secret knowledge to us, so I don't know if paying attention to my dreams counts as listening.

I am discovering, though, that I'm better at being quiet when I'm running. Not much is going on on my head when I go for a run. It's not really listening, but I guess it's a step in the right direction.

I'm Not Very Good At This

I don't update this very often. It's silly that this bothers me right now, considering my past history. I've become quite the blog addict, though, so I feel like I should make an effort to keep this updated...ish.

Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog. Why that strikes me as a good idea is beyond me (points below to show infrequent updating). We'll see. I can't keep you too posted, though, because I don't want my second blog to be so secretive. *shifty eyes*

Anyway.

I can't believe I never mentioned this, but I'm studying off-campus this semester. Hands down the best decision I've ever made. I'm leaving for home in about 48 hours, and I really couldn't be less thrilled. Things I don't want to go back to

- homework

- my job at the paper (uh oh...)

- small towns

Last weekend someone (my pastor, actually) asked if I had been bit by the big city bug. I lied. In church! To my pastor! ON EASTER SUNDAY. It's a wonder I wasn't smote right then and there. I said no to my pastor. The real answer is yes. Yeah, I like my small town values and my small town prices. But MAN do I like city livin.

I'm gonna miss this town.

Inspiration

This has to be quick, because I'm at work and have a story that needs to be written. But something pretty awesome just happened, so I want to share it.

I write for a magazine. I received an article assignment earlier this week and have just felt extremely lazy about it all along. I dragged my feet trying to find a contact person, I delayed contacting that contact person, I took my time getting in touch with the subject of my article, and now I've put off writing the article until the last day. I've been at work for almost two full hours now and have done nothing to start the article other than reading over the information I have and writing down what I feel are important points. I've procrastinated with every website I can possible think of. But finally I was like, all right, this needs to happen. Let's get crackin. So after reading over the past two articles that I've written for this same department to look for some inspiration, I turned my attention to my notepad, where I traced over the letters of "Lead" many, many times, trying to come up with something, ANYTHING, remotely worth starting my article with.

And then literally out of absolutely nowhere, it hit me. I wasn't actively trying to come up with something, at least not really. I was mulling over something completely different in fact--how I could make a money amount an interesting lead. And then all of a sudden I realized what my lead would be (nothing that had to do with money) and it was just SO COOL. It was like my brain just magically pulled a perfect lead out of thin air. I have no idea how these things work. It really is hard to wrap your mind around. How can these things just happen? How does a story begin to write itself? I have no idea. But it's things like this that prove to me that I'm a writer. Unless, of course, this happens to everyone, but I'd prefer to think it's something magical that only the privileged few get to experience. Those of us who were born to write. Writers. With a capital W.

I'm a Writer.

I'm a Culinary Genius

GUYS GUESS WHAT.

I created my own recipe today! I'm super proud of myself, because I've never really considered myself to be much of a cook. Lately, though, I've been getting more into it. But see, here's the thing: I'm a single, self-conscious, poor college student. That means:

1 - I'm on a pretty limited budget.

2 - I'm working with pretty limited supplies.

3 - I'm short on time.

4 - Eating anything that's not chock full of health benefits increases my self-loathing.

What's a girl to do? Most recipes you find out there may fit one or two of those qualifications, but very, very rarely do they fit all four. Thus, my diet has been pretty monotonous and involves a discouragingly high number of microwavable meals ('sup, sodium).

Yesterday I decided that I would have tilapia today, which is always a good thing because that meant I had time to thaw it overnight in the fridge instead of under running water for 10 minutes, which I'm always a bit sketchy about doing. Normally when I cook tilapia it is epically boring--it's just plain fish. I don't really have many spices, and what I do have doesn't do much to make the fish taste any more exciting, so it's been pretty lameski. I have part of a red bell pepper right now, so I thought I might dice some of that up and bake it with the tilapia today and see what happened.

BUT THEN.

I remembered that I have salsa in the fridge, left over from my many Mexican pizza meals (whole wheat pita + salsa + chicken + cheddar. 10 minutes at 350. Highly recommend it). And I was like IDEA! Salsa + tilapia = win?

Indeed. Indeed it does.

So, out of the goodness of my heart, I shall share my recipe with you. I don't believe in measuring things like ever, so if you're one of those people, I'm very sorry. No measurements here.

Pescado con Salsa (that's what I'm going to call it).

1 tilapia filet thing

Salsa

Cheddar

Mozzarella

Cooking spray

Brown rice

1) Preheat oven to 400 F

2) Spray pan with cooking spray, ideally something low-fat

3) Place tilapia in pan, spray with cooking spray

4) Spoon salsa onto fish

5) Put in oven for ten minutes

6) After ten minutes, remove fish from oven

7) Sprinkle a pinch of cheddar and a pinch of mozzarella over fish (or whatever cheese you like)

8) Put back in oven for ten more minutes

9) Serve on a bed of brown rice (or whatever rice you like)

10) ENJOY!

I found that the tilapia keeps the fish nice and moist, which was always my problem. I dried it out way too much when I'd bake it. But the salsa solves that problem, plus adds a nice dose of vegetable to your protein. Stick it on the complex carbs (brown rice) and ladies and gents, you've got yourself a complete, tasty, healthy meal.

You're so welcome.

!

He just started a blog too. NOW I CAN CREEPILY READ ABOUT HIS LIFE AND HE'LL NEVER KNOW!!

Except chances are I'll tell him within the next couple of days. Because I can't keep anything from him. Because I want him to know everything about me. Everything. He is THE ONE person I want to spill all (well, all but one) of my secrets to. Even the thing I've never told a single soul. Not one. Not my family. Not my friends. Not my online friends. Not one. Single. Person. But I want to tell him. Why?

Because I want a deeper relationship with him. Why?

Because I want him to love me, too.

It Happened

I love somebody.

This is not the love I thought I felt in high school. This is nothing like I've experienced before.

I really, truly think it might have happened:

I think I found Him.

2011 New Year's Resolutions

Oh, weird. I just discovered that people have actually read my blog. That strikes me as super strange, like finding out people in LATVIA had been reading my diary. But I guess that kind of comes with the territory of a blog, eh?

Anyways, mis resoluciones. (I don't know of that's actually a word or not)

1. Learn to say no.

-- Because I'm tired of being overcommitted.

2. Find little ways to save money.

-- Because I'm tired of being poor.

3. Be a better counselor.

-- More outgoing, more crazy, less yell-y, more kid-centered. Also, make lasting counselor-friend relationships.

4. Live in the moment.

-- While thinking about the future is all right, worrying about it constantly is worthless.

5. Start the job hunt.

-- I'm kidding. Kind of. In theory, this should be happening this time next year. In reality, I have a pretty good idea of how I want to spend my life long-term:

Option A: camp counselor summer 2011, school 2011-2012, graduate, camp counselor summer 2012, become year-round staff at camp and not leave for a long, long time.

Option B: camp counselor summer 2011, find serious boyfriend before May 2012, get married before 2014, have children, say "fuck you, college degree. I'm gonna be a mom, thnx."

To be completely honest, either one of those sounds FABULOUS. Disturbingly more fabulous than the "official plan," which is to go into journalism or PR.

HOLY CRAP. I JUST REALIZED I DON'T WANT TO DO JOURNALISM OR PR IF I CAN AVOID IT. I JUST WANT TO WORK AT CAMP FOREVER.

Oh boy. What a time to figure this out, eh? Three semesters left in college and I'm realizing I'm quite literally wasting my time and money on a degree I don't ever want to use. Ohhhhh boy. Happy New Year.

Ah, here we are again

2010 is almost history, folks. We have a mere 26 hours (as of this writing) left before it's done forever. I wasn't going to do anything, but a boss of mine (yes, a boss...because I do actually have multiple) posted a list of things accomplished in 2010 and went on and on about how it's good to reflect over these things. So I shall do that. But first...

On January 1, 2010, I posted my resolutions for 2010 on this humble blog. They, and their results, are as follows:

1. Be more confident.

-- Sorta? It really depended on the situation.

2. Fall in love.

-- I hesitate to say this, not because I'm worried this information will fall into the wrong hands (I'm not kidding myself: NO ONE reads this), but because the only person who does read this (me) is going to look back on this eventually, shake my head at myself, and get angry for kidding myself, but I think I might have fulfilled this resolution. It's not mutual...I don't think...yet...but sometimes (a lot of the time), I think I may have found Him, and that something may be happening. But I don't trust optimism, so I'll just leave it at that.

3. Save more.

-- Check.

4. Less dessert.

-- Again, depended on the time/situation. I haven't lost any weight, though, if that's what you're asking.

5. Make one more really good friend.

-- Aww, hells yeah I accomplished that.

6. Be less cynical/complain less.

-- Yes and no. I'm still pretty cynical (see #2), but I was more aware of my complaining and tried to do something about it, so that's good, right?

I'm giving myself a 4.5/6, which is like a B- on the year. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

So anyways, things accomplished this year in the order I think of them:

- Two 4.0 semesters juggling more extracurriculars than should be legal

- Solicited and got a job writing about high school sports, part of the career discernment process

- Improved photography skills and took photos for a full-page spread in the campus newspaper

- Survived a summer as a camp counselor and LOVED nearly every second of it

- Survived numerous severe thunderstorms and/or tornadoes, though probably lost several years of my life as a result of the anxiety

- Intensely cleaned a solid half of my room (more to be completed later)

- Auditioned for Glee...in an open casting call...just so I could say I did it...haha

- FINALLY at long last became happy at my college

Overall, it was a really up and down year. There were some very high highs and some very low lows. I think saying that I'll miss 2010 would be stretching it, but saying I'm counting down the second for it to be over would be stretching it, too. I'm just kinda meh about it, I guess. Though really, looking back, I think this was one of my better years. Though more tumultuous, I really do think it was better than 2009. Here's hoping 2011 will continue the trend. New Year's resolutions may or may not come. We'll see how I'm feeling.

:(

I'm seriously so bummed right now I could cry.

So, I love my job. I don't think I've made that any sort of secret. I mean, yeah, at times it's annoying, but the good outweighs the bad so much that I really just couldn't ask for a better job. I love my boss, I love the people I work with, I love our customers...everything about my job is fantastic. That's why I worked hard to keep my job after last summer, why I came home so often this year to work on Saturdays, and why I'll be working seven days a week for the rest of the summer. It's all been completely worth it. But after this summer, things are going to have to change. There's no one to hold down my job for me anymore. I thought I had someone, but it turns out she had another commitment on Saturdays and it won't work. So that means that on August 21st, I'm going to have to be done. That thought seriously brings me to the verge of tears. I DO NOT want to quit. I can't imagine my life without these people anymore. I mean, I know eventually I'll have to move on...a less-than-part time, minimum wage paying job isn't going to support me for very long. But it still sucks.

Families

Item #1: Work Fam.

One of the regular customers at the restaurant I work at died this past week. It wasn't much of a surprise, as this customer had had cancer for almost twenty years and in the last few weeks had been fading very fast. This customer's family has always been very connected to the restaurant, and it has shown so much in the past few days. The outpouring of support from other regulars, monetary donations, attendance at the funeral, and the fact that the post-funeral reception was held at our restaurant (we closed early to accommodate this) really showed me the depth of the relationship people at the restaurant have. It's not just server/customer. These people aren't just another paycheck to us, and they're not just the people at the table on the other side of the room. They're friends. They're family. This is why I love my restaurant so much. Where else could you find this kind of loyalty? I don't know if it's possible.

Item #2: Pregnancy dream.

I had my very first pregnancy dream last night. It took place three years from now. I sincerely hope the circumstances under which I was pregnant (in the dream, the dad was a non-factor, and my parents were pissed at me because I got pregnant and wasn't married...it was all very dramatic) never occur, but it was cool nevertheless. I'm sure a pregnancy dream isn't a lot like actually being pregnant, but I liked it. There are very few things I want more in this world than children of my own.

Self-Evaluation

Well, kids, it's gotten to be that time. I have a final on Monday, and then I'm outta here. I've actually been dreading this for quite some time. As much as I love my family, I'm not ready to go home. I'm not ready for this semester to be over. I guess that's mostly just because I'm not ready to be that much closer to graduation. Not ready at all.

And now it's time to check up on my second semester resolutions...

1: Make a guy friend

-- Check

2: Spend less time on Facebook

-- FAIL FAIL FAIL

3: Make a good girl friend

-- I actually made several good girl friends this semester. Not like "let's hang out on Saturday night" girl friends, but people I at least eat with when able.

4: Fall in love

-- Yea-no.

5: Spend more time with best friend from home

-- Well, we didn't spend a lot of time together, but we definitely did spend more time together

As for the friend grading scale, I'm going to give myself a B-. I made 5 new girl friends and 3 new guy friends this semester. I think saying I'm friends with my roommate might be pushing it, but we definitely get along really well so that's good.

All in all it was an okay semester. Definitely not as great as Fall 09 or Fall 08, but not as bad as Spring 09, either. I was just really overwhelmed a lot of this semester, which made it difficult. That also means I'm probably going to HATE Fall 10, because I'm going to be even more overwhelmed then. Awesome.

Stinkin Awesome

Who's in love with the new template?!? GAHHH SO PRETTY!! I'm a big fan.

I have a lot of homework to do, so I can't spend long on this. Spring Break is just finishing up for me. I had a decent break, though I didn't get much homework done which was frustrating. But it was a nice break anyways.

Lonely

You know what I don't understand? How it's possible to live somewhere for a year and a half and not have a group of friends.

I just honestly don't get it. How have I gone through nearly two full years of college and still do not have a core group of friends? Is this normal? A lot of the time I feel like I don't have any friends, period. I feel like there is no one here for me to talk to, like there is no one here who will really listen to me. I just want someone to be there for me, but I feel like I don't have that at all.

I've never had a group of friends, never in my entire life. I was a drifter in high school, "Jill of all groups, member of none," if you will. That was never a conscious choice of mine: I had made good friends in elementary and middle school, and once we hit high school those friends all became parts of different cliques. I would hang out with those friends in the hall or at lunch, but I never felt included. I thought that problem would be remedied in college, but I was so wrong. I still have no group. But this time it's worse, because this time I don't even have any close friends. I feel like if I were to die tonight, my funeral would be the one where everyone said, "Gosh, I wish I had gotten to know her better." I think a lot of people would be there, and all of them would feel regretful that they were just a surface friend of mine. The only "group" I have here is the staff of the newspaper, but it's not like I hang out with them outside of the newspaper office, and it's not like any of them feel the same way. They all have other groups of friends. I don't think anyone on staff realizes how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.

I really just don't understand, though, why I can't find a group of friends? Is it me? Do I isolate people? Do I scare people? Do I turn people off? Do I repulse people? And if the answer to any of these questions is yes, what is it about me that causes this? Is there anything I can do to fix it, or is it something permanent, something about me as a person, something inherent that I can't get rid of? If humans were made to be in community, why can't I seem to find a community to be a part of?

Risk Taking

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I need to stop sitting around letting my life pass me by. It's no wonder I feel miserable about myself so often. I always take the easy route out. Instead of pushing myself to be more social, more involved, I prefer to sit in my room in front of my computer, thinking about how pathetic my life is. So yesterday, I took a risk. I went to my first party ever, and I went alone.

I went alone because I didn't think any of my friends would want to go. Granted, I didn't ask any of them, but I don't feel like any of my friends are into partying. Not that I am either...I don't do the alcohol thing. But for the longest time I've just wanted to go out and dance. So I went to this party to do just that.

It was a stoplight party, which made things easier because it was obvious who was single and ready to mingle and who was taken. There weren't a lot of people at the party (probably because pledge is going on and this party was in a dorm, aka alcohol free), but nearly everyone there was in green, including me. The first hour or so was kind of lame as I just awkwardly stood around, pretending to be waiting for people, looking for people, or whatever. I refused to ask a guy to dance because in my opinion, that's his job. Guys need to grow a pair, man up, and ask a girl to dance. I shouldn't be responsible for that. Eventually, a guy did ask me to dance. And we proceeded to dance for over an hour. This is significant because I haven't danced with anyone since August 2008. Quite some time. And I've been CRAVING it. So that was just fantastic. The guy doesn't go to my school, so I'll probably never see or talk to him again. He asked for my number, but I doubt he'll ever actually contact me. It's fine, though, because I wasn't really expecting anything. I mean, it'd be nice if he would contact me, but if he doesn't, I'm not going to get upset over it or anything. Last night was still a blast, and I learned an important lesson: taking risks is a good idea, because look how it can pay off!

It's Been Quite Some Time

Hello, non-existent readers.

I really, really, really should be studying for my Spanish exam right now. But I'm not. Wanna know why? Because my Spanish exam, quite literally, is not covering a single thing we've learned so far this semester. No lie. We've learned about literature: the different aspects of it, how to analyze it, things like that. We've read a bunch of stuff from 600 years ago. What is our exam on? Grammar. Things that aren't actually on our course's website.

What. The. Hell. I think I'm going to complain about this to someone with power, because this is absolutely ridiculous.

In other news, this has been, hands down, the hardest semester of college thus far. Let's see, what all have I dealt with?

- Stomach flu

- Death of two students, both of which I knew, one of which I worked with

- 16 credits (full load)

- 2 classes for no credit

- A job (which, okay, is only like 4 hours max a week. But still)

- The school newspaper

I hit the ground running in every sense possible and have been going 100 mph ever since, with no stopping in sight. I truly think this semester will be my downfall.

I hate college.